To Health and Happiness

Whew, it's been a hot minute, huh? Last week was somewhat of a blur--I shamefully remember one night in particular on which I laid down for a "nap" at like, 7:30 PM...and didn't wake up until the 5:30 AM alarm started buzzin'. It's funny becasue my work day isn't particularly strenuous physically (ok, it's not at all--aside from potty breaks, office maintenance, picking up the mail and other quick trips, I'm sitting on my nalgas the whole time), but it's mentally exhausting. By the time I get home all I want to do is be a flojita and read, or watch Keith Olberman, or go to C-Red's and watch him play GTA. And without fail, every morning I wake up angry at myself for not doing something more constructive...like cooking the food that's slowly decaying in my fridge, or watering my withered tomatoes, or unpacking the rest of the boxes that have been crowding my living space since I moved in 3 months ago. *sigh*

This week will be different. Yesterday doesn't count...I went for happy hour at Fonda with Lila, Ires and Monica, some of my former Fonda coworkers, and we had way too much fun. I didn't end up leaving until damn near 9:30, and the rest of them fools chilled at the bar after I left for who knows how long. Ah, the foodservice life. This miss has had her fair share of that mess.

So, I started this post with intentions of talking about my....intention. Hence the title. It all starts with a very telling argument I got into with C-Red the other night, about my self-esteem and inner-strength and insecurities, etc. I won't go too far into it, but I walked away asking myself a lot of really difficult questions about why I have such a hard time being happy. I don't really mean that in the conventional sense--I am, in general, a happy person. But I'm rarely happy with myself. Regardless of what I achieve or work toward achieving, regardless of what I know is true about myself (that I'm a good person, that I've got a good head on my shoulders...) it never seems to be enough. I have this constant stream of negative thoughts in my head that I can never make shut up. That I'm lazy. That I don't put my full effort forward. That I'm not in good shape. Even when I know them to be false, they continue to affect me.

So I've been making a conscious effort to put up a hard fight. I'm putting all the energy I can into loving myself, and accepting those things about me that aren't perfect. As I mentioned before, I'm back on a serious health kick, which always brings me down to earth and makes me feel better and better every day. Not too long after all of this went down, I was sitting at my desk when a cute little viejito came into the office to drop off some promotional paper products for his East Austin printing company. He saw the "Paz en el Hogar" candle that was included with my first-day desk decorations and seemed amazed that I hadn't lit it yet.

"Is this yours?!" he asked, spinning it in his hand and studying the glass holder carefully.
"Yes, it is, I completely forgot about that," I replied. He looked almost hurt.
"Do you know what this is for? Do you know what it means?" he asked.
"Pues, paz en el hogar, imagino yo," I said. He cracked a smile. I watched his face as his eyes slowly closed and he began moving his lips silently, motioning his hand over the top of the candle in what appeared to be a prayer or blessing. He opened them just as slowly and handed the candle back to me.
"Put your hand over the top," he said. I did.
"What do you feel?" He asked, his eyes locked on mine. I thought for a moment, unsure of what he meant.
"Paz?" I tried. I was wondering where this was going.
"What else?" Just then, I felt a light thumping in the middle of my hand. "A pulse?" He asked. I got excited.
"Wow...I do feel a pulse!"
"Now take your hand away, and look at the middle of your palm." I did, and noticed a very small, very subtle impression in the shape of a rounded "v", like a cartoon bird. "Do you see the holy spirit? The symbol of the dove?" My jaw nearly dropped.

I felt all tingly and ultra-aware of something that I couldn't see with my eyes. He told me that he had said a blessing for my happiness, and that as long as the candle burned, I would be blessed. He praised the power of God and left. Now, I'm not one to swear by religious broo-ha-ha of any variety, but something about that man, about the timing of his entry and that little dove in the palm of my hand, really spoke to me. I wanted to light it right away, but after extensive purse-digging, came out lighter-less. Shortly after, a coworker of mine who happens to smoke walked by. I told her about the man and his blessing, and asked if I could borrow her lighter.

"Well sure," she said, "but if you're lighting something that's been blessed, you should really use something natural, like matches or a piece of rolled up paper." It was news to me. "And, you should take a blank sheet of paper and write an intention for yourself. Fold it in thirds, and then in thirds again. Then, place it underneath the candle whenever you burn it." I was already writing--among other things, for health and happiness.

And ever since I've started lighting that candle, you wouldn't believe the things that have been happening. A few days after that first encounter, my little sister came over to swim and work on a collaborative father's day paiting for our dad. She was in the mood for Panda Express, which is significant in and of itself since we rarely stoop so low when it comes to food. After finishing off our beef and broccoli, we each opened a fortune cookie. Mine said--no joke--"Health and happiness are in your future." I couldn't believe my eyes. I told her the whole story, and she explained the reasoning behind the whole folding in thirds thing. She's very in tune with the spiritual world and energy and such, and said that it pertains to the rule of threefold, which essentialy says that anything you do will be done unto you threefold. By folding my intention in thirds and thirds again, I was empowering my intention nine times. I'm telling you, it's working. Just last week, I spoke to my Grandma after not hearing from her for quite a while, and after a lovely conversation, she said "well darling, I wish you all the health and happiness in the world."

Pretty neat, huh? I'm watching the flame flicker right now, wondering just how much health and happiness I might have in store...

I welcome it all.